If I Had a Million Dollars

If I had a million dollars the first thing I would do is spend as much of it as possible on myself. Let's face it, people always SAY they would give money to charity if they won the lottery, but that is absolute bullshit, especially if they only won a million dollars. A million dollars really isn't that much money and it can be spent pretty quickly. And for those people who have their minds absolutely set on looking like a hero (that's really all it is) and end up donating some of their new winnings to a charity of some sort, well, they are one hundred percent going to regret it in the future. Why? Because one million dollars simply is not a lot of money and they're going to be pretty pissed off when they no longer have enough money to purchase those rock speakers they’ve had their eyes on for a while or pay for that hooker’s abortion. It is, however, enough money to spend on myself and improve the quality of my life. So here is what I would do if I had a million dollars. First things first, I would go to Costco and buy a lifetime supply of sour keys, because let's be honest, they are the best type of candy that exists on this entire planet. I don't give a shit if you think differently; you are stupid and wrong in so many ways. Secondly, I would pay off all of my student loans, including my sisters' because they are such a DRAG and prevent you from living life to the fullest after you have graduated university (or so I have been told, I am currently still completing my undergrad). Thirdly, I would do something extremely extravagant for my mom, Peggy, the dancer. I'm not sure what exactly I would do for her, she's always wanted a magic carpet so maybe one of those, or a trip somewhere, like Disneyland, or I could just keep it simple and get her a season's pass to Wonderland. After this I would still have a lot of money left over. If you're like everyone else who goes to McGill you probably think really highly of yourself and remain convinced that if you won a million dollars you would definitely donate at least some of it to charity. Wrong again. If you're smart and really do value yourself as a person, you will be quick to realize that whatever amount of money you donate to a charity from your one million, will not make a difference in the world. If you think that donating one hundred thousand dollars to some cancer charity or peta movement is going to change the current shit situation of our world, then you, like the people who did not spell my name correctly on my birthday, are fucking retarded. Do you really think that shedding some of your winnings is going to solve world hunger or end genital mutilation? The answer is no; vaginas will still unjustly be split open and children in Africa will still be walking around with potbellies. The world today is an absolute tragedy but why should your life mirror its pitiful state? Winning the lottery is not a charity's ticket so some random donation from some random person who randomly won a million dollars. Winning the lottery is someone's ticket to everlasting happiness and an infinite supply of sour keys. Winning the lottery is not a punishment; it is a stroke of luck that should be enjoyed by the winner, and that winner alone. The decision to keep one's lottery winnings does not make that person selfish or heartless. That person is realistic and intelligent. The person who wants to donate money to a charity is the foolish one...you don't owe little Zumba down in Africa anything. It is not your fault that he is hungry. It is unfortunate that he is hungry, but it is due to a history of white supremacy, colonization and power struggles- none of which are any of your doing! So go ahead, go buy whatever the fuck you want, no matter how ridiculous or useless it may be. That money is yours and you may do with it is as you please.

***If you are offended for whatever reason by this post, I am sorry. I did not force you to read this, so piss off.