Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Attention Facebookers: Your status is gay and no one gives a shit.

Alright, so first and foremost, I would like to sincerely apologize for my recent disappearance from Jamal's Corner. I had a rather intense schedule of eating, watching endless hours of "Say Yes to the Dress" and other intellectual television programs on Slice (such as "Wedding SOS" and "The Last Ten Pounds") or spending time with my cat this summer, and found it very challenging to pay the corner a visit. However, now that I have hundreds and hundreds of pages to read on politically and economically underdeveloped nations and the film and television industry in Canada (yes, they do in fact exist) I have no problem returning to Jamal's corner for some casual offensive and highly warranted bitching. Today's topic: people who change their facebook status to the most gayest, lamest, pathetic, irrelevant and uninspiring things. It's going to take me some time to fully break down and explore the plethora of categories to which I am so politely (not) referring. Let's start with the very personal things, including emotions, experiences and everyday happenings of life of which people feel the need, for whatever reason, to share with the rest of their facebook friends. Example 1: the activities in which you are participating that day, or activities in which you already participated that day, such as, "Just had a delicious breakfast now off to work 3-11, then movies to see Inception, bbm me!" Jesus Christ, no one gives a shit, like REALLY. AT ALL. The only information even possibly relevant or useful to me in that status would be pertaining to the fact that that person will be at the movies that night some time after 11:00 pm, and I should hence avoid going so as to prevent an encounter with such a loser. That may sound alarmingly harsh, but seriously, no one cares. And if someone does actually care, and is compelled to either "like" or comment on such a ghastly facebook status, then that person is now equally, and quite possibly more lame. The only acceptable things to put in one's status relating to the events occurring during one's day, include if you're leaving for an interesting or exciting trip such as a shopping excursion to Buffalo, New York or Canada's Wonderland (totally kidding). I'm referring to exotic and actually exciting destinations such as Italy or Brazil or the Antarctic; that is something I would like to hear about- not the new high score you achieved playing Guitar Hero that day or that you went to Cora's for a yummy brunch with the girls! lolz! Other acceptable statuses: if you won the lottery, if you got a new pet (cute!), new cell phone number (people need to know that), if you got a blackberry and now have a *pin*, if your sister, brother, or any other close relative recently gave birth to a new human, if you're hosting a pool party that evening or if you graduated university- those things are fine to include in your facebook status. Now onto other things that are NOT okay to include in your facebook status: things relating to a relationship with your girlfriend/boyfriend/significant other/boo/hubby/sugar momma/sugar daddy/fuck buddy/best friend. No one gives a shit if you got dumped, and if you make your facebook status "So heartbroken, don't know how I'll ever recover from this" you are so gay and probably deserved to have been kicked to the curb. What does one expect to happen when he or she changes their facebook status to something like that? No one is going to "like" a status that reads, "So lonely, just lost the love of my life" or "Oh my god I hate you, you will regret losing me, I am so over you, asshole." Wow. Wow. WOW. First of all, a facebook status similar to the ones above are just so awkward, because people probably know the person to which such a status is addressed due to the fact that that person's facebook profile also states who he or she is in a relationship with, so it is VERY clear to whom they are referring. Furthermore, why would you want to promote the fact that your boyfriend or girlfriend cheated on you and that you hate them? Are you expecting someone to "like" that? It is simply awkward, seriously TMI and so uncomfortable for people to read. I understand that you may be upset, furious and want to let that person who broke your heart know how you feel, but let's remember that irrational actions have consequences, so, unless you wish to look like a retard or you want to make others uncomfortable, then please, refrain from changing your facebook status to something relating to your pathetic break-up- we're already going to be reading on our homepage that so and so ended their relationship and that so is now "single." Also, for all you catty bff'l's out there, if you get into a big fight with your best friend PLEASE refrain from changing your facebook status to something along the lines of, "Bitch, I fucking hate you, we are so done," or "Just when you thought you knew someone, all trust is now lost." Once again, nobody cares. These are all personal things that when broadcasted publicly on something such as facebook, will cause unnecessary drama and conflict and will also cause people to raise their eyebrows at such petty and lame behavior. The next thing I would like to harshly criticize in relation to people's statuses on facebook is when people feel compelled to insert the lyrics from Top 40 songs directly in their status. The one that comes to mind the most is this summer's hit song "Airplanes." Soon after this song came out "I could really use a wish right now..." was blowing up my facebook homepage as the status of so many people. Like, why? Just, why? What are you trying to express? That you like the song and it's stuck in your head? Newsflash: that's happening to 500 million other people who aren't deaf. Another popular song that made it into statuses of so many lost souls was Jay-Z's and Alicia Keys' number one hit "Empire State of Mind." The fact that people changed their facebook statuses AND the title of facebook albums to lyrics from this song is terribly troubling. I mean, why? What is the fucking point? So foolish. You may be reading this while simultaneously thinking to yourself that I have no right to attack innocent and most likely very kind people and the history of their facebook statuses, when I, myself, have had recent facebook statuses such as "I finally have a pencil case" or "Super pumped about the homeless man's blood I had on my upper thight today." These are entirely pointless and irrelevant to anything whatsoever and that is what makes it acceptable for me to change my facebook status to such seemingly retarded things. The problem with other facebook users is that when they change their facebook status to something such as "TiK ToK" or "Just gonna stand there and watch me burn" or even worse, "too many times I have been fooled by you but no more," these people are one hundred percent serious and that makes them one hundred percent lame and in no way, should their facbook statuses be acceptable as publicly accessible information.

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