Ladies, please.

Alright, this post is dedicated to all the girls out there who believe that doing keg stands and regurgitating beer all over their newest silk top from Urban Outfitters is "sexy." It's time to wake up, ladies: keg stands are not sexy and they send the entirely wrong message. I have never done, nor have I ever attempted to do a keg stand in my entire life. This may be somewhat related to my inability to successfully chug any alcoholic beverages, but the point is that I have saved so much dignity in avoiding being whipped into the air on a diagonal, held up and fondled by strangers trying to maintain my balance- all the while, guzzling beer. Firstly, keg stands are messy. You show me one person who has not been liberated from the firm grasp of strangers after a keg stand who does not resemble a young infant after being burped by his or her mother. After a keg stand, you are covered in spit, sometimes sweat, and most certainly beer that has more than likely already been in your mouth and throat but has managed to find its way out again (ew). Keg stands are no makeover at Macy's- they are messy, demanding, taxing on one's system, contaminated and the FARTHEST thing from feminine, let alone sexy. A girl who chooses to commit her frail body and weak stomach to a keg stand is under the very erroneous impression that in doing so, Travis, her crush in the corner of the room (but not too far away that he won't be able to witness her humiliating stunt) will catch his eye by proving how cool and wild and hot she is. Wrong. There is absolutely nothing sexy about being tossed up into the air by a bunch of frat guys who secretly think you're heavier than you look and would much rather hang out with their grandmothers than see your flabby stomach hang out of your shirt, and having beer squirt out of your mouth and into your face in all possible directions. What, do you think you're going to come down from that keg stand, beer drooling down your face, on your shirt, and in your hair, and all of a sudden seem SO alluring to the guys in the room? No. Absolutely not. Unless there is a guy in the room who is into butch girls who can keep down more beer than they can, then sorry ladies, keg stands are masculine and will never find themselves a tasteful bearing in your lives. I'm just curious as to why females think men will find it sexy that they can chug beer upside down for as long as they can. Do these girls also think that entering a hot dog eating contest will result in guys chasing after them? The fact is that guys will not find this sexy. Keg stands are designed for humans with penises. They are something in which guys take part in as a means of demonstrating their strength and superior chugging capabilities in comparison to other guys, and with the hope that some dimwitted girl in the room will find it impressive enough to sleep with him. Girls do not and should not need to do keg stands in order to attract attention from guys, unless they are looking to be "one of the guys," which, quite frankly, is an issue in itself. The point is that keg stands are not a sport in which women should partake. They're dirty, contaminated, more often than less have girls on display in the air in unflattering positions for all to see, and there is simply nothing whatsoever, sexy about beating a guy at the one thing he may only be good at in life.

Mean Girls: Best Movie Ever

The movie "Mean Girls," starring lifetime loser Lindsay Lohan, Rachel McAdams and the wonderfully witty Tina Fey, is what I like to call a silent masterpiece. This movie is my all-time favourite- I literally can watch it over and over again. The reason for which I call it a silent masterpiece is because it really does not receive as much credit as it should. Because the movie has "girls" in the title, many males are hesitant to watch the movie, or simply do not find any immediate appeal due to the title. For those who choose to pop a copy of "Mean Girls" into their dvd player, however, soon realize that this is the best movie ever made. Reason #1 for which the movie is amazing: it is accurate. Girls are absolute bitches and this movie depicts young females in a high school environment almost too perfectly. The girls in the movie are cruel, catty and cold. The new girl in school- Kady (Lindsay Lohan)- finds herself eating lunch alone in a washroom stall after suffering from an embarrassing incident in the school cafeteria- no one wanted to sit with her- even the band freaks wouldn't invite her to take a seat at their table. This kind of stuff actually happens. I found myself in the exact same position after urinating on a police officer at a school dance after a few too many Mike's Hard Lemonades. It was my first time drinking and needless to say, my behavior landed me a three day suspension. Going back to school was terrifying- I just could not face Burlington Central High School's student body after pulling a stunt like that. Thus, I made my friends eat lunch with me in the third floor washroom for the next few weeks until things calmed down and some new scandal entered the scene. We didn't eat in the stalls of the washroom, however, that is just downright unsanitary. The point is that girls in high school can be horrible- and if you're not in the cool crowd, then fuck, you're screwed. Reason #2 for which this movie is amazing: it is extremely offensive. Tina Fey's script has the characters dropping racial bombs, gay bombs and lines that the Family Channel would never dream of airing. I bring up the Family Channel because often "Mean Girls" is categorized as a young teen flick but that categorization could not be more far off. "Mean Girls" is no "John Tucker Must Die," "Freaky Friday" or "Crossroads" taking on the challenges of adolescent angst and first kisses; "Mean Girl" deals with all that bullshit but in a way that can only be enjoyed by those who possess an actual IQ. When I was thirteen and saw the movie I did not nearly enjoy it as much as I did five years later. This movie is on an entirely different level than your average teen movie. Thirteen year-olds cannot appreciate the humor of a gym teacher having an affair with two students of his, who both happen to be Asian twin sisters who think they are ghetto fab. Thirteen year-olds cannot appreciate the humour of Damien, the token fat gay guy, seriously singing "Beautiful" by Christina Aguilera at the annual Christmas Pageant. Thirteen year-olds cannot appreciate the humor in Karen suggesting a trip to Taco Bell to cheer Regina up- which Regina furiously refuses because of the fact that she's on an all-carb diet. See what I mean? Reason #3 for which "Mean Girls" is amazing is related to what I was just discussing- all the small, masked humor that really can only be recognized and appreciated by those who aren't sensitive and enjoy a little offense here and there (moi.) My favorite example to use to explain this closeted humour within the film that makes it so sensational is the scene in the hallway after a gym class at school. Kady and her lesbian-friend, Janis, attempt to sabotage Queen Bee Regina George by cutting the nipples out of her shirt while she is busy in gym class. The plan backfires and the following scene depicts female students strolling the halls modeling tops and shirts with the nipples of their shirts also cut out. One girl in particular is given a screen shot- she's ugly, in a wheelchair and wearing a shirt that says "Lucky Girl." I had to explain to someone why that was funny. Let me repeat: I had to explain why a paraplegic wearing a shirt that says "Lucky Girl" was funny- it literally broke my heart. I will agree that the joke is cruel but it is also wildly hilarious. The film, with its twisted plots of gossip, cat fights, cheating, lying, student/teacher affairs, diet sabotage and even incest (Karen repeatedly tries to hook up with her first cousin Jason), "Mean Girls" is simply the best.

Rihanna's Swollen Face Leads to Loose Box: A Lyrical Analysis of "Rude Boy"

Alright, so, as everyone knows Rihanna's loving boyfriend Chris Brown beat the shit out of her just over a year ago. After being a no-show at the Grammy's, the media blew up and rumors were spreading like HIV at a male YMCA. The truth soon came out that pop sensation Rihanna had suffered from a serious case of domestic violence and abuse from boo Chris Brown. Rihanna, despite the hardships she was forced to endure and the amount of Mac foundation she had to wear to conceal those big, dark, nasty bruises on her face, was able to rally and came out of the whole ordeal on top- literally ON TOP. The lyrics of her latest hit single "Rude Boy" reveal something very different than the attitude of a young woman who was recently beat to bits by her lover. "Rude Boy" is literally Rihanna's 'fuck me now anthem.' Her heart may be out of commission but her box certainly is not. She opens the song with "Come here rude boy, boy, can you get it up? Come here rude boy, boy, is you big enough?" First things first, Rihanna clearly did not graduate high school, because that sentence just does not make any grammatical sense whatsoever- ARE you big enough would be the correct way of saying such an elegant sentence, Rihanna. She must have been getting filled the day this lesson was being taught at school. Secondly, she is being way too forward about wanting to get banged, I mean she already got banged out, she should probably take things a little slower. Thirdly, the secret is out- Rihanna loves a big disco stick- she likes a nice big penis to pleasure her and what a great way to give a shout out to all those 'big enough' penises out there than through music?! The song only gets more promiscuous as we shift from the opening chorus to the first verse: "Tonight I'mma let you be a rider, Giddy Up, giddy up, giddy up babe." Well. This line can be interpreted in many ways depending on the extent of one's imagination, but my initial interpretation is pretty clear: Rihanna is looking for some serious sexual healing. Rihanna is choosing to deal with the turmoil, emotional and physical pain caused from the boyfriend beats in a very curious way. Whereas the majority of women probably seek the shelter and protection away from men after suffering any type of domestic violence, Rihanna is looking to get filled and by something big, something that can 'giddy up'- whatever that is even supposed to mean. The next selection of lyrics I would like to examine are "Buckle up, I'mma give it to you stronger, Hands up, we can go a little longer." Hmmm, so we have 'giddy up' and now 'buckle up.' This is a very interesting combination of sexual commands. It appears that Rihanna is interested in creating an environment in which one get off based on the idea of a horse and an automobile. I'm finding it very difficult to conjure up something kinky and erotic that deals with both horses AND cars, but hey, who knows what Rihanna was thinking- clearly she has suffered one too many blows to the head.... By releasing this song, which by the way, is an amazing song to exercise to (the BEAT is fist-pump worthy), Rihanna is sending out the wrong message. Instead of promoting women's rights or donating money to some women's shelter, Rihanna is positioning herself in the eyes of the media, young girls, horny boys and lewd men with her legs wide open and ready for business. Although I do credit Rihanna for being able to get back on her feet and continue to release songs, I am somewhat turned off and confused by her sudden longing for yet another rude boy. I mean, wasn't Chris rude enough?

VOTE HARPER, HE LOVES KITTIEZ!

Stephen Harper may not be Canada's favorite Prime Minister, but on top of being able to play the piano, sing, and collect coins, he is a cat man! MEOW! I understand that a lot of Canadians are upset with Harper and his irresponsible decision to prorogue Parliament during the 2010 Vancouver Olympics, his policies that do not support free contraception for women in developing nations, and his distastefully unpatriotic comments toward Quebec's distinct culture, but I think everyone needs to seriously step back and recognize what kind of people like cats. That Harper is such the feline fan that he is says a lot about what kind of man he really is. Stephen Harper probably loves to snuggle, play with yarn occasionally and fall asleep to the peaceful sound of his cats' purring. Clearly Stephen Harper is not only a family man, but a cat man as well. Most men feel the urge to associate themselves with big, brave, fast, strong dogs- dogs with which they feel mirror their qualities as men- perhaps a bulldog, a boxer, a sexy black lab or a pug (guys who own pugs, however, might want to reconsider that decision seeing as they are mirroring an image of uselessness, laziness and fugliness). Anyways, the point I am trying to make is that Harper is nothing like your ordinary man- he doesn't need a strong dog by his side to represent himself in the public; he isn't ashamed of the fact that he may in fact have a soft side, that he enjoys a little tickle of his kitten's whiskers on his cheeks from time to time, or curling up on the couch with a bowl of fro yo and his feline friends curled up at his feet. He even brings his cats to work, which is a clear indicator of his commitment to maintaining their well-being and happiness. His feline fixation also demonstrates that he is selfless because regardless of his busy schedule, Harper refuses to neglect those close to his heart. Harper is being open and honest about his passion for pussies, and isn't that what all Canadians are looking for? An honest politician?

I will not be voting in any McGill elections.

At this time of the year, students from all faculties, departments and student-run organizations are "campaigning" for positions for the upcoming school year. My facebook is daily bombarded with notification after notification, notifying me that "Bob Nobody" and "Jennifer Who-Gives-A-Shit" is running for 'internal' or 'external' something or other for AUS or MUS. Newsflash: your platform consists of absolutely nothing whatsoever that would actually be benefical to the student body, and you don't actually care about making a difference. The people running in these "elections" (and judging by my faceook there are about one-hundred and twenty positions for which people are running) the majority of them are only looking to add bulk and substance to their resumes and nothing else. These positions are not paid, they do not require any inordinate level of competence and once people are 'elected' to these positions, nothing actually gets done- their actual influence is very small. One girl who was running for some insignificant position for the AUS came into my anthropology class a few weeks back to "campaign." This consisted of her stating her name- which not ironiocally, I forgot- and spat out a few sentences about her "platform." She said something about promising to have the AUS branch out more to the Montreal community, if she were elected. That is quite possibly the worst platform EVER. McGill students, especially those coming from out of province or even other countries, do not give a shit about the Montreal community- just like the Montreal community finds us students to be a nuisance. Why would someone even propose that? If you're looking to gain support based on a thirty-second spiel to a classroom of students who probably are not listening anyways, why the hell would you not say something that would actually grab their attention? Something such as lowering the costs of the cranberry and lentil wraps at the Redpath cafeteria, or maybe firing the new white man who works at the Pita station, seeing as he NEVER gives me extra hot peppers? Students do not care about the community in which they live in so long as they are not being directly affected. The only thing that could possibly lend incentive for me to vote (and that has to do with the Montreal community) would be extending the hours of Deps in the ghetto. The Deps close at 11:00 pm every night of the week, and this truly does break my heart. Sour key cravings can hit at any time, and it is downright disappointing that I often have to wait until the next morning. That, however, is probably the only thing that affects students in the Montreal community. So please, do not pretend that you care about the city in which we live in when we all know that within that city, is the McGill bubble- our true community. Instead, try proposing something that actually affects us, such as the price of wraps as mentioned above, or having flex dollars accepted at Liquid Nutrition. Also, if you're ugly, why are you even bother to run? Good looks might catch the attention of students, but standing in front of an audience promising to do things that no one finds relevant or benefical, is not going to get you any votes. I will not be voting in any McGill elections because a)The people running suck and are only doing this to stack their resume, b)I'm too lazy to run, and remaining true to my bitchy tendencies, feel no desire to help someone climb the student political ladder and c)unless these people can lower the cost of tutition and the fruit bowls in the cafeteria, then they really have nothing at all to offer me.

Spring has officially arrived at McGill (Warning: VERY offensive)

How do I know this? Because the student body's lesbian population is out in full force. Now that the temperature is warming up and the snow is magically melting away, chick couples have reclaimed their positions on the steps of the Arts Building, lower field and a plethora of other locations on campus. They are everywhere. I am not against gay people, I truly believe that they are real people, with real emotions and that they should not be discriminated against for their lifestyle choices. However, this does not mean that I want to see lesbian lovers sucking face under the sunshine in between classes. I am already extremely caught off guard when two grown women are holding hands, and it isn't until I remind myself that these two women are just looking to find happiness and love, that I am able to compose myself. However, kissing is an entirely different story- there is just something nauseating about two chicks tonguing it. And because these carpet-munching couples are typically cultural studies students (sorry guys!), their appearances are slightly eccentric and they are quite easy to spot in a crowd- you know, usually wearing black, only wearing one earring in the form of some feather, military boots (so stereotypical- I know) and they probably don't shave. And because it is warmer out, they are more than likely broadcasting their hairy limbs. But all this hatred goes back to my whole issue with PDA- no one needs to see it. Despite the fact that society has made great strides in accepting, or at least making the effort to turn a blind eye to lesbian and gay couples, some people in society are rude and cruel and believe that they have the right to abuse, harass and discriminate against gay people. It is for this reason why I believe gay people should restrain from petting, lip-locking and canoodling on campus. Despite the fact that I would personally benefit from this, I think that the benefits are far more superior for same-sex couples. In getting it on privately, same-sex couples can avoid having food thrown at them, hateful stare-downs and being called horrible names. So REALLY, I am just looking out for these people. Warm weather and melting snow should not serve as justification for same-sex PDA. It serves as justification for me enjoying ice cream on Toonie Tuesdays and skipping french class. So if you are a girl, who is into another girl, and if you haven't already thrown rocks at me, then please refrain from smooching your dykey date. K Thanks!

Dear Serena, shut up.

I am a big fan of Gossip Girl. It has got to be one of the least intellectually stimulating shows out there, but it has consistently entertained me over the course of its three seasons. It has great fashion, exciting and unexpected storylines, sex, drama and some seriously attractive characters (Nate Archibald, get in me). The show, unfortunately, does have one serious downfall: Serena Van Der Woodsen. Omfg that girl is the most annoying character to have ever been created by any writer in television. I think she may even be more annoying than Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City, and THAT is saying a lot. I will not deny that Serena is stunning with her luscious blond hair that nearly touches her ass, her flawless skin, never-ending legs and suprisingly stacked rack. It is a shame that her beauty cannot transfer over to her acting. Her acting on the show is hard to explain. She doesn't really say much. She's usually too busy whining, pouting, spreading her legs, or texting her latest victim. Speaking of victim, Serena LOVES playing the poor, innocent and helpless girl. Nothing is ever her fault- not the time she slept with her best friend's boyfriend, not the time she overdosed on cocaine and killed a man, not the time she stole the key to Constance's pool, not the time she passed out and missed her SATs after a late night party sesh with Georgina, not the time she fell in love with a married man- nope, she had no control over those things! Serena is just too obtuse, naive and moronic for anyone to actually feel bad for her. And her pouting is getting really old. According to the storyline she is approaching her 21st or 22nd year- no pouting is done at that age, so please, Serena, just stop, you look retarded. Another area of concern surrounding Serena is boys. Serena has got to have the most loose box ever- she has slept with so many men. She claims to have been in love with all of them, but let's get serious, the girl likes to get filled. From Dan to Tryp, to Nate, to Carter, to that radom hipster artist fag she was into for a while, the girl is a skank, and her "omg all I do is sit at home and think of you" act is really getting old. The last episode with Nate was just too much to deal with- the girl is just dumb. Of course Nate uninvited you to the French Ambassador's dinner, you opened up wide the second you saw him! You didn't even wait until you had a bed to use- she really does not leave much to the imagination. What's worse is that Serena got it in on the floor of her best friend's gorgeous apartment with her best friend's first love and ex-boyfriend. How that works, I am unsure, but it obviously led to Serena pouting for the rest of the episode until her and Nate settled their dramatic issues and got freaky in the coat check room, which conviently had a cushioned bench at the back where no one would see them. Anyways, I feel sorry for the girl. No guy can actually put up with her antics and they either lie to her, break up with her, or leave her alone and unconcious after a deadly car crash (Tryp- such a gentleman). I don't blame them though, the girl is gorgeous, but fuck, she is beyond irritating.

Whistling and other sounds that bother me.

I hate whistling. I don't care how well somone can "carry a tune," whistling is hands down one of the most annoying sounds created by the homo sapien. I can't even begin to describe the pain I wish to cause someone who is whistling. It is old-fashion, gay, and oh yah, fucking annoying. A man just came into my place of employment whistling at an unnecessarily loud volume. I wanted to punch him. He was already an annoying customer, seeing as he came into the store in the first place, asked for some McGill discount (those do not exist unless) and on top of everything was WHISTLING while talking to me. I was THIS close to "politely" asking him to shut the fuck up, but then he asked to see a pair of workout gloves my store sells. Anyways, he finally bought his shorts and left the store. Unfortunately, I will now be haunted by the sound of his whistle for the remainder of my shift. Whistling is only one of the many human sonances that drives me insane. I hate human sounds in general- my ears are extremely sensitive and pick up every sound around me. Conviently, I also have a very short temper and humanly sounds are not conducive to keeping me calm and collected. If you're wondering what kind of "sounds" I am referring to, then you probably make them and I secretly want to punch you in the stomach. The ultimate worst human noise in the world is the smacking of one's gum. There is nothing (with the exception of rich people who dress foolishly and wear bejeweled Ed Hardy clothing) that upsets me more. I can hear it a mile away and until it ceases to exist, that sound will be the only thing I hear and I will not be able to focus on anything else. I seriously believe that today's education curriculums should consist of a class on etiquette, just the basics, nothing too extreme. Some of the lessons would include "how to politely chew your gum and avoid people around you wanting to inflict physical pain on your body" or "how to talk and chew food separetly" or "how to breathe normally" or "how to shower." The last one does not really relate to human sounds, but it remains to be a serious issue in society today. Another sound that is devastatingly bothersome is heavy feet. Heavy feet can and do ruin my day. The people who live above me walk around their apartment as if they have bricks tied to the bottom of their feet. And they are constantly scurrying! Someone walking to the bathroom should not wake me up, unless that person is blind and tripped over something and fell on the ground. This post is making me uneasy, so I'm going to have to end it here. Moral of the story, however: 1)Don't whistle, ever, no matter what. If you are in a good mood about something, just smile- it doesn't make any noise and if you're attractive and have had braces, then it might even be a treat for someone. 2)If you're going to chew gum then make sure I cannot hear it. It seriously gives me anxiety and you sound like a cow. 3)Pretend you are sneaking out of the house every time you walk anywhere- espeically inside. Or go buy really thick slippers.

My French Teacher

My french teacher is a serious mystery to me. First off, he has the most atrocious french accent I have ever heard- he is the epitome of that dirty, unbearable Quebecois accent. And he makes it rain when he speaks- luckily I sit far enough away from him to avoid getting wet. Anyway, the fact that his accent makes me cringe is not the subject of this post. The real mystery surrounding my french teacher is his fashion- if we can even call it that. His favorite brand is Lacoste. How do I know this? He has showed up to every single class except for one, wearing either a Lacoste polo, male cardigan, blazer or turtleneck. The turtleneck was hands down the worst of his wardrobe choices, seeing as men should not wear turtlenecks, especially if they have breasts and Oprah-like rolls, which he definitely does. His hair is another story- he looks like Sideshow Bob from the Simpsons except with an added ten pounds of product. He's also fat, so like, I won't even go there. I know it may seem like I'm being a bitch, but that's because I am. If a man has enough money to buy Lacoste polos and other assorted garments, then he also must have enough money to get a personal trainer, stylist and a haircut. We get it buddy, you like Lacoste, but guess what? You still look like an idiot and all 75 students in your class have to not only listen to you, but look at you for 3 hours a week. My eyes are about to fall out. And this man is clearly very intelligent; he is teaching a French Literature course at a competitive university and is working on his second PhD. Thus, this man is not mentally retarded or anything, making his wardrobe and hairstyle an absolute mystery. If you are rich enough to buy Lacoste polos in bulk, then you must have enough money to buy a mirror to acknowledge your faults, and then buy a stylist and maybe a personal trainer. It pains me to see wealthy people dress foolishly. If you have money, then please, do something respectable with it, by ensuring your your fashion, figure and hair does not make me want to commit suicide.

If I Had a Million Dollars

If I had a million dollars the first thing I would do is spend as much of it as possible on myself. Let's face it, people always SAY they would give money to charity if they won the lottery, but that is absolute bullshit, especially if they only won a million dollars. A million dollars really isn't that much money and it can be spent pretty quickly. And for those people who have their minds absolutely set on looking like a hero (that's really all it is) and end up donating some of their new winnings to a charity of some sort, well, they are one hundred percent going to regret it in the future. Why? Because one million dollars simply is not a lot of money and they're going to be pretty pissed off when they no longer have enough money to purchase those rock speakers they’ve had their eyes on for a while or pay for that hooker’s abortion. It is, however, enough money to spend on myself and improve the quality of my life. So here is what I would do if I had a million dollars. First things first, I would go to Costco and buy a lifetime supply of sour keys, because let's be honest, they are the best type of candy that exists on this entire planet. I don't give a shit if you think differently; you are stupid and wrong in so many ways. Secondly, I would pay off all of my student loans, including my sisters' because they are such a DRAG and prevent you from living life to the fullest after you have graduated university (or so I have been told, I am currently still completing my undergrad). Thirdly, I would do something extremely extravagant for my mom, Peggy, the dancer. I'm not sure what exactly I would do for her, she's always wanted a magic carpet so maybe one of those, or a trip somewhere, like Disneyland, or I could just keep it simple and get her a season's pass to Wonderland. After this I would still have a lot of money left over. If you're like everyone else who goes to McGill you probably think really highly of yourself and remain convinced that if you won a million dollars you would definitely donate at least some of it to charity. Wrong again. If you're smart and really do value yourself as a person, you will be quick to realize that whatever amount of money you donate to a charity from your one million, will not make a difference in the world. If you think that donating one hundred thousand dollars to some cancer charity or peta movement is going to change the current shit situation of our world, then you, like the people who did not spell my name correctly on my birthday, are fucking retarded. Do you really think that shedding some of your winnings is going to solve world hunger or end genital mutilation? The answer is no; vaginas will still unjustly be split open and children in Africa will still be walking around with potbellies. The world today is an absolute tragedy but why should your life mirror its pitiful state? Winning the lottery is not a charity's ticket so some random donation from some random person who randomly won a million dollars. Winning the lottery is someone's ticket to everlasting happiness and an infinite supply of sour keys. Winning the lottery is not a punishment; it is a stroke of luck that should be enjoyed by the winner, and that winner alone. The decision to keep one's lottery winnings does not make that person selfish or heartless. That person is realistic and intelligent. The person who wants to donate money to a charity is the foolish one...you don't owe little Zumba down in Africa anything. It is not your fault that he is hungry. It is unfortunate that he is hungry, but it is due to a history of white supremacy, colonization and power struggles- none of which are any of your doing! So go ahead, go buy whatever the fuck you want, no matter how ridiculous or useless it may be. That money is yours and you may do with it is as you please.

***If you are offended for whatever reason by this post, I am sorry. I did not force you to read this, so piss off.

PDA in the Library

PDA in the library is entirely unacceptable and the amount of which it takes place in the libraries on campus is downright distasteful. I already do not give a shit about the information my brain is trying to absorb as I "study," and I most certainly do not give a shit that the girl sitting beside me (who I thought was a lesbian) actually has a boyfriend. This literally always happens to me: I think I have found a beauty seat at the library next to some quiet asian who will not disturb my studies and then BAM! I look up from my course pack and this mute asian is legitimately sucking her partner's face off (sometimes it is hard to identify partners during the act). I don't understand why people cannot just get their fix before coming to the library where single students are actually trying to study. Either these couples are addicted to sex, new to sex, don't really go to McGill or don't have any other friends with whom they can go study and spend some time away from their partner. The library is for studying, socializing, facebooking, and not getting filled. If you want someone to park their car in your garage, then please, for my sake and everyone else's who is actually trying to study, please go do it in the privacy of your home or at least in a bathroom stall somewhere nearby. Even kissing in the library is horrible because it produces the most godawful sounds I have ever heard. What kills me the most is when the people are ugly, because there is nothing worse than watching two fugly people mack while im busy trying to memorize Canada's Constitutional amendments. I seriously cannot take it anymore and I'm not going to. This is a fair warning to all you couples out there: stop getting filled, making out, "cuddling," petting one another's genitalia and being GAY at the library. I will call you out and embarrass the fuck out of you. And if you're an ugly couple, it will only be worse. I don't care if you guys "look good together," you've been warned.

Ladies & Gentlemen: Peggy the Performer

Hey guys, this is a picture of my mom at my cousin's wedding last June. As you can see, she is a phenomenal dancer, she really knows how to get low and work it out. Some of her favorite dance moves include the dutty wine, floor sweeper and pop-lock-and-drop-it. No one is really sure what dance move she is performing here, but clearly it is one-of-a-kind and she is really feeling the beat. My mom normally dances with her eyes closed because that way she can truly feel the music and will avoid being distracted by less-experienced dancers around her. My cousin Matthew (the guy to my mom's right) would probably be a distraction to my mom seeing as he really is not performing any original dance move- it is your average "hands up" sort of movement. Music and dancing is a big part of my mom's life. When she's not gardening, finishing up home improvement projects or watching Dragon's Den, she loves to turn on the cd player and just let loose. She loves to dance and sing, especially when she has had a bottle or two of wine. Weddings are not the only places my mom enjoys dancing at, she always enjoys dancing and singing at home alone or while we are in the car and one of her favorite songs comes on. Hilary Duff or Coldplay are some of her favorite recording artists to dance to. She doesn't really like rap, but that's probably because she doesn't like black people. Her performances in the car aren't usually as impressive as her land performances due to space confinement and the fact that she has to keep her eyes open and on the road, therefore preventing her from really feeling the beat. My mom has seriously considered auditioning for "So You Think You Can Dance." The main reasons for which you haven't seen her on the top 20 yet is because she's one of the most selfless people on this planet. She understands that for some of the teens on the show, dancing is all they have going for them and she doesn't want to hog all the spotlight. Also, pets are not allowed on set and my mom feels really uncomfortable leaving Cheebah home alone for more than eight hours. Regardless of winning any titles though, my mom is a pretty well known dancer. She's been asked to perform in videos of Ja Rule, Ludacris, and 50 cent. Unfortunately, due to their skin colour she had to turn them down, but she's confident that in the future, more recording artists of Caucasian descent will invite her to perform alongside them on camera. My mom has a pretty busy schedule but when she's not teaching in the summer, she has been known to perform at birthday parties and other celebrations, so if you have a summer birthday, then you might just be in luck.

***My mother is not actually racist. She is a loving and caring woman whose life goals include solving world hunger, meeting Queen Elizabeth before she bites the dust and performing live on stage at the Grammys as one of Lady Gaga's backup dancers.

Chatroulette: The Possibilities Are Endless

You may or may not be familiar with www.chatroulette.com. If you don't know what it is you are definitely missing out on some of the best and cheapest entertainment out there. It is a brand new service for one-on-one text, webcam and microphone-based chat with people around the world. It's pretty much the greatest thing ever. My favorite time to go on chatroulette is usually when I am feeling hungover or sad about something because it a serious pick-me-up! My roommate and I are obsessed. We are both pretty eccentric girls who are always up for a good time and this website delivers the laughs one hundred percent of the time. But chatroulette can be visited by anybody no matter what type of mood they're in. If you're feeling bored, then chatroulette is a great way to meet people from different places all over the world and for free. We met a boy named Stephen who was a naval academy student from Philly (not the creme cheese). He was really cool, and contrary to popular belief surrounding chatroulette, he was not a creep. He didn't reach for his penis once. But who knows, you might be in a kinky or sexual mood, but might be single and therefore getting it in isn't always that simple. Chatroulette offers a lot of naked men and women masturbating alone, in groups or participating in oral sex and orgies. I usually F9 ("next") people like this because I'm in a serious relationship with someone and she would consider this cheating, but it is always funny to see a penis pop up on the screen once or twice. Chatroulette also offers cultural experiences. Not only because you have the opportunity of meeting people from other places of the world, but because they are often dressed up in clothing that is representative of their culture. My favorite people to meet on chatroulette are celebrities. Once my roommate and I were having a pizza party for two and we decided to amp up the excitement and go on chatroulette and the Jonas Brothers (so cute!!) popped up, but she accidentally hit next. Boy, was I pissed, but I'm pretty sure I saw Mary J. Blige on it one night so I figure there is a high probability that I will get to see more a-list stars in the future. If this post has not convinced you to become a regular user of chatroulette, then all I can say is that you're really missing out on a great opportunity to meet new people and improve your computer skills.

Cheebah: My Cat.

This is my cat, she's my pet and best friend. She hates it when I hold her for too long, but she sure does love to cuddle. She's not that photogenic. This picture is rare because her eyes are open, usually the flash bothers her and she has been known to turn her head away whenever I pull out a camera or my blackberry. This picture was taken by my blackberry, I used the zoom option and because I did that, the flash did not go off, so this is actually a good shot. She's cleaning herself, which I guess is sort of weird and rude to do in public, but she usually does what she wants when she wants. She is ten years old. She likes to kill baby bunnies, mice, crows and other small game. She's not a regular cat who likes tuna, instead she likes to lick the top of banana muffins from No Frills. She has a weak stomach though and throws up quite often- my mom gets REALLY mad. I don't get to live with Cheebah, she lives in Burlington with my mom, but going home on holidays and weekends is always a treat. My friends make fun of me for my close relationship with my cat, but I don't let it get under my skin. I know that our relationship is special and I have become pretty good at interpreting her paw and tail movements, and some of her meows are dead giveaways as to how she is feeling inside. A low, grumble-like meow means she is really mad and just downright not happy with the situation, and a high-pitched quick meow means she wants to go outside because she has to do a number one or a number two. A hiss is pretty self-explanatory. I'll post some more pictures of her soon, I unfortunately will not be going home for a while but maybe I'll post some from facebook, she doesn't have an account or anything but she's definitely tagged in a lot of pictures.

Why people are just dumb.

It was my 21st birthday last weekend and I have to admit it was one of the best birthdays ever. Unlike last year, when I turned twenty and my mom gave me polka dot rubber gloves and cookie cutters, this year I got some very nice presents. Gifts aside, it was just a great day. Crosby won the gold medal for men's hockey at the Olympics, I went out for a delicious steak dinner with my mom, and my cat didn't throw up. However, there was one thing in particular that did spoil my birthday. I am a serious facebooker and I was satisfied to be receiving notifications of people writing on my wall wishing me a happy birthday. The posts were great and made me feel all warm inside, except some of the posts were very strange and unusual. Some people, whose names will remain a secret for their own sake, spelt my name wrong. I really do not understand how something like that could happen. Not only does my name "Jaime" appear in at least ten different and very visible locations on my facebook profile, but my name was more than likely in nine out of ten posts already there. It is simply a mystery to me. Of all days to spell my name wrong! The posts might as well have said, "Happy birthday, julia! Have a great day! Sincerely, the girl who doesn't really like you or herself enough to write your name correctly on a public profile." And half of the people who couldn't get it together and spell my name correctly on my BIRTHDAY are university students. I wonder if they spell their names incorrectly on assignments and exams. Anyways, the point is, you have to be pretty fucking retarded to spell someone's name incorrectly on their facebook profile. I may have thought that Haiti was in Africa, but I sure know how to spell people's names correctly, espeically when they are right in front of me.