Ladies, please.

Alright, this post is dedicated to all the girls out there who believe that doing keg stands and regurgitating beer all over their newest silk top from Urban Outfitters is "sexy." It's time to wake up, ladies: keg stands are not sexy and they send the entirely wrong message. I have never done, nor have I ever attempted to do a keg stand in my entire life. This may be somewhat related to my inability to successfully chug any alcoholic beverages, but the point is that I have saved so much dignity in avoiding being whipped into the air on a diagonal, held up and fondled by strangers trying to maintain my balance- all the while, guzzling beer. Firstly, keg stands are messy. You show me one person who has not been liberated from the firm grasp of strangers after a keg stand who does not resemble a young infant after being burped by his or her mother. After a keg stand, you are covered in spit, sometimes sweat, and most certainly beer that has more than likely already been in your mouth and throat but has managed to find its way out again (ew). Keg stands are no makeover at Macy's- they are messy, demanding, taxing on one's system, contaminated and the FARTHEST thing from feminine, let alone sexy. A girl who chooses to commit her frail body and weak stomach to a keg stand is under the very erroneous impression that in doing so, Travis, her crush in the corner of the room (but not too far away that he won't be able to witness her humiliating stunt) will catch his eye by proving how cool and wild and hot she is. Wrong. There is absolutely nothing sexy about being tossed up into the air by a bunch of frat guys who secretly think you're heavier than you look and would much rather hang out with their grandmothers than see your flabby stomach hang out of your shirt, and having beer squirt out of your mouth and into your face in all possible directions. What, do you think you're going to come down from that keg stand, beer drooling down your face, on your shirt, and in your hair, and all of a sudden seem SO alluring to the guys in the room? No. Absolutely not. Unless there is a guy in the room who is into butch girls who can keep down more beer than they can, then sorry ladies, keg stands are masculine and will never find themselves a tasteful bearing in your lives. I'm just curious as to why females think men will find it sexy that they can chug beer upside down for as long as they can. Do these girls also think that entering a hot dog eating contest will result in guys chasing after them? The fact is that guys will not find this sexy. Keg stands are designed for humans with penises. They are something in which guys take part in as a means of demonstrating their strength and superior chugging capabilities in comparison to other guys, and with the hope that some dimwitted girl in the room will find it impressive enough to sleep with him. Girls do not and should not need to do keg stands in order to attract attention from guys, unless they are looking to be "one of the guys," which, quite frankly, is an issue in itself. The point is that keg stands are not a sport in which women should partake. They're dirty, contaminated, more often than less have girls on display in the air in unflattering positions for all to see, and there is simply nothing whatsoever, sexy about beating a guy at the one thing he may only be good at in life.